Extra Strength Boredom Relief

Laziness

2011-05-09T07:37:00.000-07:00

I think the number one enemy of all society is laziness. You might think that a simple solution would be Mexican genocide, but that's simply racist and unreliable.
Another enemy of society is boredom, a frequent topic on this site. I think that something that inspires a lot of boredom is playing with small children, like my own 19 month old ray of sunshine.
Sometimes it is fun just because I enjoy her reaction, most times the actual playtime content is an utter BOREATHON. The other day we were playing blocks and when she finally insisted on letting my conceptually elegant structures stand, she insisted on replacing the top portions with blocks that didn't make any architectual sense. Replacing a framed set of three blocks with nothing but an upward pointing right triangle may be artistically postmodern, but to me it makes no sense. I had the feeling she was removing and placing blocks for only its own sake.
In her playhouse in the backyard, i came up with a terrific role-play in which we would "feed" the baby (fake) grass, in order to act out one of our own favorite and recognizable rituals, mealtime. She thought it necessary to continue to pull and collect grass to a point that I no longer saw a corollary with our own actual institutional version. Bordering on the absurd already, it became more about pulling grass out of the ground instead of mimicking our own practical cultural behavior.
So my solution to all of this? Banged my wife.
Yeah, it seems like a ridiculous step but for almost pure solution-proposing reasons, but banging my wife would bring about a natural playmate for our young daughter. This other small child, in time, would become as enthralled with these mundane activities as the first. Therefore, they could perpetually entertain each other, leaving Dad to aimlessly wander the internet and update his fantasy baseball team's lineup and roster.

Oh, would I?

2011-05-04T20:49:00.000-07:00

There are abandoned blogs everywhere. People have something to say and then whether they are sick of nobody caring what they have to say or what, they stop. I stopped. Now I begin again. Let's lay down on this couch for a moment...
What does 26 year old me have in common with 21 year old me? It might be boring, but I am just a more mature version of myself. I have similar values, but toned down in areas and more responsible in others. That's it. No real fucking epiphany man. I even work the same job I did then.
Now, this might be why I have decided to post about this. I am finally about to graduate school and so I am feeling a similar feeling to what I did then, the feeling that I am standing before the grand canyon. What the fuck am I going to do? (That's what I'm thinking) And then I just shout in to the canyon, or cyberspace.
We all know people everywhere have these similar feelings. Hell, Mark David Chapman killed a guy, the Graduate was a great movie, Waiting is not as great but still good, and a host of other "art imitates life" moments have been bestowed upon us.
I will tell you what is a real difference between now and then - my wife and child. These two people make it seem like whatever I do, I'll be okay.

AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

2011-05-04T20:44:00.001-07:00

Excellent nap. What's up? Somebody should clean up around here. Fucking spamments.

Oh, how the time passes

2007-07-15T22:10:00.000-07:00

I like to go back and read this blog every once in awhile. It reminds me of the days before I turned 21. Since then, my life has consisted of a bunch of obstacles on the way to a weekend of getting obnoxiously drunk. I write on my myspace blog a decent amount, but I think I am going to switch back to here.

I guess the point is that it's funny to read me and my blartner's opinions and think about a time in my life where I began college with few friends and fewer hobbies. This blog filled that gap for both of us I am pretty sure. Since then, I have made a plethora of friends, figured out my major, sucked ass in college only to realize that I need to grind out my super-senior year to get going with life. Most of my philosophical problems now deal with my future. The words "my future" encompass a great deal, including what kind of person I want to be, what job I want to have, and what kind of female I would most enjoy having sex with, if not multiple females.

So my year-plus hiatus will end with the fact that not everything I say will be funny because who can be funny everyday if you're just not that funny? I don't know, ask my mom, she's not funny.

Bored at Work, Too Cool to Do Work

2006-10-11T14:11:00.000-07:00

I feel I must comment on some of the most frustrating and downright annoying habits of this pathetic species (I'm speaking as an intellectually superior alien):

First off, these "dead baby" jokes are just ridiculous. No really, more than they are intended to be. What people have lost grasp of is the reason these so-called jokes were funny in the first place. Dead babies in a particular situation wasn't the joke, but rather the insensitivity and casual reference to dead babies BEING IN a situation. Get it? Let me explain it more clearly.

Examples: What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume!

How do you know when a baby is a dead baby?
The dog plays with it more.

What bounces up and down at 100mph?
A baby tied to the back of a truck.

What do these jokes have in common? EVERYTHING. Here is the structure:

Any question with "baby" as the noun.
Any sentence whatsoever that refers to the baby being dead.

My point? One joke is enough! You earthlings are so retarded I'm surprised you didn't die as a baby. Continuously making different questions and answers doesn't make the joke any more witty or funny. A "dead baby" joke is one single joke that is said a thousand different ways. It's not funny when you make up a new one. You're not clever. All you're doing is showing the world that while some homo sapiens (and other mammals, insects, plants, and the yet-to-be-discovered-by-man Glyphertinis Hypro, more commonly known as manbearpig) are producing thoughts and having blood flow through the brain, you are not and are therefore a waste of space.

At a distant second on my list of annoyances is despite your claims to have learned when you were four Earth-years breathing, you still can't read your own language. Countless times humans stare at a sign and ignore it as though it is beyond their comprehension. The most recent and ongoing example is that these people stand in a doorway literally 3 feet away from a sign that is large and at eye-level that reads (Line Starts At Chairs Behind You). They cannot look around it so they all see it when they stand at the door. Yet they continue to stand there instead of turning around and going to the chairs. Despite my knowledge of the 28 known universes, time travel, the 11 dimensions, and safety pins, I cannot form a theory regarding this habit. It is truly beyong me and it frustrates me so much. I shall continually urge Lord Mathlazar to unmake Earth's existence.

Pope

2006-09-17T19:22:00.000-07:00

Ok so the Pope said some stuff quoting an emperor when he was in battle as saying that Muhammad's teachings are "evil and inhumane" because he said Muhammad believes that fighting can spread his faith. The emperor went on to say how violence cannot possibly be the legitimate way of spreading faith (let alone credibility). By the pope quoting this guy, Muslims went hysterical and got angry because apparently quoting some guy is the same thing as flat out calling them a jew. Ok ok just kidding, but really though. These Muslims are mad because of what? Was the emperor's quote so outrageous and untrue? Is that what Muslims feel and that's why they are mad that it is being repeated? Are they unjustly being viewed as violent and fanatical? Apparently, and so a few of them decided to kill an Italian nun over the Pope's speech so that this is no longer an unjustly claim. Thank you guys! Why can't you guys get on a magic carpet and fly through the air like the stereotype of the Arabs back in the day? But when it comes to violence in the name of Islam, you'll make sure to never shed the stereotype. Good job.

Sup JEWY JEWFACE JEW JEW

2006-09-04T23:47:00.000-07:00

So my urge to write is greater than my urge to be substantive. Guess who's problem that is? Yours. This is because you have read this far and are continuing to read hoping that there might be some point or value in the next word, phrase, sentence. Too bad.
So there I was, head empty, staring out over 4 foot chop before someone blared out, "Pull in the fucking line, what're you fucking sleeping or something?"

At that moment I longed to be there as much as I longed to be on the receiving end of a stingray barb to the chest. What a ridiculous amount of boredom this has become with the staring, receiving of the abuse, and the drifting.

And what was that in the water? I am pretty sure it was Pat O'Brien in full illusion that the waves were a lawn chair and he was calmly projecting up in to the sky, "Help me, for I am lost at sea"

I said, "Pat, do you mean you're stuck reporting about the trivialities of people who need more airtime as much as they need more people thinking they do. I hate you. bye Pat."

Anyone have a topic? Help me out.

Thirsty?

2006-08-04T18:58:00.000-07:00

"The August 2006 cover of Babytalk magazine. Readers of a US parenting magazine are crying foul over the publication's latest cover depicting a woman breastfeeding, with some calling the photo offensive and disgusting(AFP/HO)"

Disgusting? Offensive? Is that what they tell their kids so they can let them sit there thirsty and hungry? I think it's the new way around abortion. Oh, and no one besides mothers read this magazine anyway. That's why it says "STRAIGHT TALK FOR NEW MOMS." I hate this new age sensitivity and I hate Loose Change.

Inspired

2006-07-24T21:01:00.000-07:00

Wooo. Someone accidentally was routed here and left a comment. This has inspired me to say something. What I wanted to say is how incredibly lucky I am that dirt is free.

Usually that sentence ends in something romantic or dopey. Plus there is this sign by my house where a new house is being built and it says "free dirt" and it makes me laugh. Other things that make me laugh: thinking about how stupid and easily tricked babies are and angelina jolie. That's it.
I heard a good joke the other day. What's the difference between a porcupine and a cop car? In a cop car, the pricks are on the inside.

Next I want to talk about the onset of World War 3. Has anyone been watching the news lately? Tina Fey is leaving SNL for christ sake. Ten bucks Israel attacks Lebanon over this.

My Mom thinks I'm a drunk

2006-06-18T19:46:00.000-07:00

I'm not really a drinker. I never drink during the week, I don't even like the taste of alcohol. For like the last 8 weekends though, I have been good and piss drunk. I turned 21 a couple of months ago so it's all good you'd think. I don't drink and drive. Isn't it acceptable to be a little hungover on Sunday morning? What if it was Saturday and Sunday morning? Getting really drunk twice in a weekend must be comparable to being in the NFL. Come Monday, all you do is discover all the cuts and bruises you have while walking around feeling like a senior citizen from pure fatigue.

Stupid mom.

Another good thing to talk about is that magical line between obnoxious and fun. I like to cross it. If people start to think, "Hey this guy's the party. How fun." I like to do something outrageous like break something or pull out a gun and shoot in to the air or maybe even a crowd.

One more point is how sorry I feel for all the generations who came before us. Where would they go eat after the bar? They'd have to barbecue because there were no 24 hour diners or Taco Bells or anything. That's almost the best part.

My favorite joke

2006-06-15T11:19:00.000-07:00

This is one I always tell:

These two guys are sitting next to each other on an airplane when they both realize they both have black eyes. The one guy turns to the other and asks how he got his black eye.
"Funny story, it's one of those word-mix-up type events. I was at the ticket counter and the counter lady had huge boobs and I meant to say , 'Can I have a ticket to Pittsburgh?' but I accidentally said, 'Can I have a picket to Tittsburgh?' and she punched me in the eye. How'd you get your black eye"
The other guy responds, "How crazy? It is also one of those word-mix-up type events. I was sitting in the kitchen and my wife was cooking breakfast and I meant to say, 'Can I have some bacon'n'eggs?' and I accidentally said, 'You stupid bitch, you ruined my life.'"

People are needy

2006-05-22T18:02:00.000-07:00

Here's a lesson: people are needy. Mostly, they are needy for attention. It's a sickness that we all have and some people more than others. When I say "some", I mean "you".
Now, why are you so needy? I think it stems from either low self-esteem or low wit or maybe it's even psychological. Who knows, you figure it out.

Happy Mother's Day

2006-05-14T09:33:00.000-07:00

I just want to let my mom know how much I want her to do my FUCKING LAUNDRY NOW! I SAID NOW!

It's up to you.

2006-05-11T19:00:00.000-07:00

I was just about to eat my fruit snack box of raisins when I opened the lid and the inside said "It's up to you." I searched the box for answers to what that meant when I noticed that these sun-made raisins were labeled Sun-MAID, referring directly to the feminine stereotype. Searching more vigorously now, I uncover a code on one of the tabs, 2010-07. It was right next to the nutrition facts, where, curiously enough, the total grams of carbs and sugars added to the percent iron equaled 69, another reference to women. This had something to do with a girl. The woman on the front of the box may have been Jesus' wife. It dawned on me then that I was hungry and ate the raisins.

Dear Idiots...

2006-05-07T05:47:00.000-07:00

People are so stupid sometimes, especially about math. The best evidence for this is the current gas hike and also the current trend for "lower" gas prices. The other day, a local gas station was found to be rigging their pumps and thus were fined out of business and the rest of the gas was to be given away at 50 cents a gallon off the normal rate.

WHAT A DEAL, YAY.

So of course 7 million people showed up and people were waiting more than an hour to get this special rate of gas. Ok, let's say you have a 15 gallon tank. You save yourself $7.50. You're going to wait in a stupid line for hours for SEVEN DOLLARS?!? I still see people wait half an hour to get gas that is like 8 cents cheaper than everywhere else. Again, the math says they are waiting half an hour for $1.20 but do they even think about that? NOPE. They think like this-

Thought 1: I know that I have to buy a lot of gallons.
Thought 2: That is a small amount but there is a lot of gallons of gas.
Concluding thought: This must mean that by the end of the 4 million gallons of gas I have to buy, that I will be saving 4 million times 4 cents which is a lot of money.

This goes for anything. Sour cream at Costco is only a savings if you ever use that much sour cream. Routinely, people don't work the math out in their heads and business people know that and trick them all the time like the lemmings they are.

It's hard out here for a pimp

2006-05-03T22:06:00.000-07:00

Seriously, it is. Just lettin' you guys know.

What sound does a llama make?

2006-05-01T17:58:00.000-07:00

Nothing's going on. Shit. Seriously, I have been reading Tucker Max stories all day thanks to a link from the Tiger. Tucker Max is [in]famous because he has ADD and is smart. This combination leads him to be a very bored person. The way he entertains himself are to do outrageous things that always push the boundaries of what we accept in society, from crazy homeless people.

So it's interesting to read what he has to say. It also makes me feel like the most boring person alive. Besides my blog being about his blog, who has the energy to even do all the shit he does? Someone with ADD, that's who. I am not going to say the obscure references aren't his own little salute to his intelligence either. He kind of reminds me of the Game by Neil Strauss. He should be in the movie.

I also have to take credit from him because he has a rich kid. Who couldn't fuck around all day if they didn't have to work?

Oh no, two posts in two days...

2006-04-29T23:29:00.000-07:00

Oh my so I am back in to the blogosphere. I don't think I am quite coherent but I can write like a mofo anyway! So like we're playing pool and this kid who is butt raping the table kept bitching about us asking him to get the fuck out of the way like he is a champ or something. Holy shit you fuckface, we're just trying to play pool. It made me want to get a firearm and a fireleg and set him on fire with it.

Can we just become regular readers again and forgive all the absences? I love you all.

Let's say hi

2006-04-29T00:56:00.000-07:00

Well, I am so insanely bored right now, that I think it is time to start speaking to the anonymous world once again.
Let's talk for a moment about heroes. Heroes according to the definition of Drew and Mike, are those guys who always have to save or stick up for girls. You know the scenario:

Guy: Whatever fatso!
Girl: Did you call me fat?
Hero: Hey, don't be such a dick dude...
Guy: Hey [insert hero's name], nobody's impressed.
Hero: I wasn't trying to be impressive, you were being a dick.
Guy: I'm pretty sure I was joking around until you decided to try to stick out from the crowd because you don't have any game. You're such an embarassment to PUA's everywhere.
Girl: I am going to go make out with some chicks now.
Girl 2: Oh that's hot, let's invite our friends.
Girls 3-15: Let's all take a shower together. Oh my this is so fun, let's put this on the web.

So you see how this scenario works itself out? Always the same every time.

I have things to say

2006-04-03T22:34:00.000-07:00

Believe me, I will start posting again soon once my internship ends. Things I have lined up to bitch about:
heroes
polygamy
news
jews
booze
foos

I was playing jewsball with a couple of foos when the booze came on which made me want to drink some news.

My New Career

2006-03-16T18:24:00.001-08:00

I think being a consultant would be the ultimate job. I believe I should be paid for my advice, and in the end of the day feel like I've made the world a better place by telling other people what they should do. For instance, don't cut your hair if you want to look smart. That way people will think you're too busy being a genius to cut your hair. How many long-haired geniuses do you know? Exactly! See, great advice. Also, look both ways before crossing the street. It shows that you're aware of your surroundings. Of course, don't do this at a one way street. Looking the other way would just be silly.

Hotel Rwanda

2006-03-02T22:31:00.000-08:00

I just saw this movie the other week and it made me think of Africa and machetes, because well, it had a lot of Africans hacking each other with machetes. Why machetes? Cost, I am pretty sure. A million guns are 10 times more expensive than a million machetes. It really is an amazing thing that some concocted racial conflict could turn a whole country in to a twisted homicidal rage.
So what's funny about this? Nothing. Except for one time in the movie, I thought I saw a guy trip on someone he just hacked to death. How embarassing!

Free time

2006-02-23T16:09:00.000-08:00

I devote a lot of free time to two things: one is watching tv, the other is switching from the refrigerator to the cupboard over and over again even though I know the same shit is in each one.
I like watching the Olympics and I actually watch American Idol. Courageous for admitting, I know. Well it's the number one rated show for a reason, and that reason is that white trash is a pretty big demographic.

Post

2006-02-18T19:09:00.000-08:00

One good thing about having a blog is that when you stop blogging, your ones of fans e-mail you offers of paypal donations, plane flights en route to sexual favors, among other things to not stay on hiatus for so long. Another good thing is you get to lie about how much strangers adore you.

So what has gone on since we last spoke? Well we had the Super Bowl in Detroit, we had the riots in Muslimia, that (insert disaster here) in (insert third world country) here. I am really upset about (insert disaster here) and I gave money to that telethon hosted by (insert group of sincere actors/actresses here).

Let's have a genuine discussion about hierarchy and why in every setting, humans must organize ourselves in some imaginary order of authority. Actually, let me discuss it with the blartner and we'll come out and decide what information you guys need to know. Thanks little guys or chiefs, buddies, sports, or fuckfaces; they all mean the same thing.

I wanted to say hi

2006-02-06T20:34:00.000-08:00

Heylo everybody!

(you guys): Hey Dr. Bert!

Sorry I don't ever post anymore.

(you guys): We're not.

Pink is my favorite flavor of starburst

2006-01-26T16:29:00.000-08:00

One time when I was 5 years old, I visited this park and came upon a wooden box. Inside the wooden box was another wooden box. Inside that was another wooden box. Inside that was a compound known as air.

Sometimes you have to mix up your stories. If all of them have these good suspenseful endings, or some sort of joke, moral point, actual ending, then people would never be surprised. One of the keys to your life should be to always surprise people.

Ok, the box actually contained a little samurai. He was belligerent until I showed him a small flat cooking surface. He then cut food all up in some sort of crazy circus act which included flipping shrimp tails in to his hat and everything. He then went and started Benihana's.

Congratulations little guy.

good job bert

2006-01-21T10:31:00.000-08:00

So it's been like 1/10th of a Venutian day since I posted last. I did the translation for all women readers, who I've been told, are from the planet Venus.
I have just been busy.

Things you need to think about for the upcoming year are:

how much money you can get
how much sex you can get
sometimes you might want to trade one of these for the other

Besides this, I guess I have nothing else to note. I guess I want to lodge some complaints with Old Man Winter.

TO: Winter, Old man

I am so sick of the cold and the snow. I hate you and I love global warming.

from: Me

It makes me upset as someone who goes through winter every year that some people would be against global warming. I think a good business plan would be to buy up a lot of Canadian coastal lands and even some of those islands up north frozen in ice. I then would build a pollution machine that will make Canada paradise, and surprise! Hotels and resorts are already there! But why would such a person put hotels and resorts on islands that have been frozen in ice for thousands of years they would say... Rumor would be that maybe that same guy who built those was the inventor of the polluter machine.

Prove it then.

First day on the job

2006-01-10T16:36:00.000-08:00

First day as an intern for a news outlet... So I mainly answered phone calls in dealing with newstips.

The tip of the day goes to some lady in Detroit for bringing it to our attention that she has filed attempted murder charges against the state of Michigan as well as George W. Bush. Apparently, those sneaky federal and state officials are trying to overdose her with pills or something. At one time, she witnessed an assassin while she was in Pittsburgh and had to return to Detroit for her safety. She called back 5 minutes later to note that she also included in the lawsuit, "red China and the Middle East." The entire Middle East has a tough lawyer, so it should be interesting.

So I just have been busy with that sorta shit if you were wondering. Which you were. Thanks.

Dear Actors,

2006-01-08T19:50:00.000-08:00

No one would like you if you weren't pretty. Don't bring up Kathy Bates or Meryl Streep; there are always exceptions to the rule.

Love,
Me

Podcast 2

2006-01-03T23:13:00.000-08:00

We're bringing it to you a little bit shorter. Enjoy.

Help me think

2006-01-03T01:28:00.000-08:00

I was wondering if you could help me think of a way to get rich. Quick.

Right now, I am doing the school thing, but it really is taking lots of my valuable time. I also started dating an old lady who is on a fixed income, but I am in the process of alienating her from her family so maybe I can get her 1 bedroom condo and 1992 Ford Escort.

Good times.

Great oldies.

Happy New Year

2006-01-01T10:51:00.000-08:00

The only good thing about a hangover is that when it's over, you feel like a champion. You walk around as if you could leap tall buildings in a single bound for you are Superman, complete with no-headache and no-nausea powers.

And just to let everyone know, my New Year's resolution is 1024x768, just like all of the other days. I think I am going to stick with it.

I want a big bag of little donuts

2005-12-28T20:11:00.000-08:00

Is a Vespa too ridiculous for an adult male to ride around? I think I want to get one because who can resist scooting around like an idiot? Probably a lot of people.

Gas is so expensive though. My job is a half hour drive and school is 20 minutes so I really couldn't go there on a Vespa unless I want to double my travel time and quadruple the risk that some tard on 8 mile transforms me in to a speed bump. I'd have to take 8 mile because 696 doesn't allow Vespa's or EXPLOSIVE MATERIALS!!. I love how 696 posts the warning that you have to get off at 75 if you have them. There must be a good story to that one.

Speaking of 8 mile, I ate at a White Castle somewhere between the Pointe and Production Tool. The drive was beautiful because of the local shops and warm glowing feel of the famous avenue. In between tit bars and check cashing places, you get a strong sense of community in this place. Isn't it curious that all the tit bars are full at 1 pm? Is this a holiday thing or just an 8 mile thing?

Well back to White Castle. Now, I tend to avoid fast food restaurants in or around Detroit because I'm a card-carrying racist, but this was on the Warren side, so I gave it a try. The pop (soda in non-michigan english) machine was non-carbonated which I thought was a unique touch. The sandwiches tasted fine, but I got sick later that day. I don't want to convict this White Castle of being the cause, but as I didn't eat anything else since, I will at least make a lifelong stereotype.

So Vespa. I think I'm going to get one.

The Truth Laid Not So Bear

2005-12-27T20:05:00.000-08:00

The TTLB ecosystem is pissing me off. Seriously, I now realize we're a lowly worm with just 4 links to us. This is a lie. We have like 15 blogs that link to us, but because of changes made to the calculation process of the TTLB, we now look like even more pathetic douche bags than we really are. So, we've decided to delete the ecosystem. Even though we're down to like next to no hits a day. Maybe I am angry at the Bear because he is making us face the truth. Nope, that's not it.

Bye NZ Bear, dickhead.

D-chroyt

2005-12-26T02:02:00.000-08:00

So I decided to add a new blogroll section, that of my home town of Detroit. I live only 10 minutes from the actual city, and I must admit, I have been there at least 5 times. Ha. A little more than that.

I will have an internship downtown next semester, so I will be seeing her quite often. I have heard good things about Mexicantown, like the fact that real mexican food is down there (and real mexicans too, silly mexicans!). One of the things I miss most about California is a real carne asada taco and burrito... Speaking of mexicans, the other bastion of our descendants from the South is Pontiac (an hour north of Detroit). The main mall near Pontiac is Great Lakes Crossing, in which I had the pleasure of shopping for Christmas gifts. I was walking out of a store and kind of bumped in to a hispanic lady who was like "stupido", which I think means stupendous in mexican. I of course replied with, "gracias puta" which I think means "thanks friend." It felt nostalgic. I long for the left coast.

Back to the D list; I only have four blogs on now, but as I go through the Wonk's list (which is ridiculously big), I am sure I will add more. I picked those because I read Wonk, Croaker, and Girl in the D sometimes, and Got Detroit because it recently gave me a shoutout, and by shoutout, I mean called me a nerd.

Podcast

2005-12-24T01:02:00.000-08:00

Ok, so be easy on us. It's our first one. 15 minutes of poor sound quality and boring stumbling. Sorry, we'll get better and probably make this a weekly or bi-weekly, or homo-weekly thing.

ESBR Podcast

2005-12-22T17:05:00.000-08:00

ESBR's first podcast is coming up tomorrow night!

Ooooh the anticipation....

My elbow hurts

2005-12-19T21:40:00.000-08:00

So I watched two things for the first time tonight. One was the 40-year old virgin and the other was the Girls Next Door. I enjoyed the comedy of the first one, and then the comedy of the second one.

"That's funny", says you, "Girls Next Door isn't a comedy."

Well, maybe it shouldn't be, but it is to me. That old man had a birthday party for his youngest (and hottest) of three girlfriends. Her grandmother and mother showed up. (sidenote:I think her grandma was a little too young for Hef.) You can tell that young girl has attention/self-esteem issues and that's why she agrees to be humped by a person so near death. Well that's what I have to tell myself anyway.

Oh yeah, my fuckin' elbow hurts. I slept on my arm wrong and got an injury. Imagine if I played football or pro bocce ball. I'd be in trouble.

I'm getting married

2005-12-16T22:49:00.000-08:00

So for Christmas, my parents got me something stupid that I didn't want. I said, "you !@#$">!@#$, I don't want an Mp3 player, I want TiVo in my room."
So after begging and pleading, manipulating, plotting, three murders, two turtle doves, and one call to DirecTV, it was installed the other day. Much to my surprise, we've fallen in love and decided to get married. I told her upon the second day of our meeting, "I have heard good things about Everybody Hates Chris, but I don't give a shit about looking up what time it is and remembering to watch it."
"No problem honey," she said, "I will just record it for you so you can watch whenever you feel like. Oh and feel free to fast forward through commercials."
Now, my life is comprised of watching tv shows that I used to skip because of having a life. I will record everything from reruns of SNL to basketball games to the View (because I'm at work or school during the day -- the View, ha, almost.)
What are the drawbacks you say? Well one is that it hums (whining actually -- women...) and so my room is not as quiet as it used to be while I try to sleep. There is also a light on it so it's like having a night light in my room. Also, my brain is turning in to mush because of how much tv I'm watching (I used to watch Lost and football and one or two other things; that's it.)
I wish everything in life was like TiVo. I don't feel like working, I will just set that time slot away for when I do feel like working and maybe even fast forward through the whole experience. Matter of fact, I think about how much of my life I would miss had I the ability to fast forward through parts. I would probably cut my life down to about 230 years of actually experienced life. Mind you, I expect to live 1000 years, so that is a lot of time wasted.

Oh and I also want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas, unless your jewish, then of course I wish you Merry We Murdered the Savior Day or whatever you call your holidays. And of course I can't forget, Happy We Hate White People Week or whatever it is.

I'm not a big fan

2005-12-14T20:48:00.000-08:00

I'm a big fan of saying, "I'm not a big fan...". This is my saying. My other saying is, "Seriously...". I like to indicate that I am about to be serious with someone.

Saying "seriously" is a little like saying, "To be honest...". It would imply that all other parts of the conversation were less than honest, just like I imply that all other parts of my conversations are not serious. I guess that's true.

This is the point at which you say, "What's your point?". I will then have a fake conversation between you and I.

"Well, my point is to just write something half interesting."
"Well you did a wonderful job."
"Yeah, I thought so. What would you say the most interesting thing was about this post?"
"Maybe the part during the reading where I daydreamed about gumdrops and puppies and nachos and all of the other magical things I like."
"I wish to read ESBR everyday but you don't post enough."
"Oh good job, now you confused the audience because which one of us is talking?"
"Well I'm pretty sure this line is -- I'm not sure either."

Good conversation is hard to find.

Know your rights fuckers

2005-12-13T09:17:00.000-08:00

Here's a fun bit of information I came across on Wikipedia.

Freedom of expression
In 1971, the U.S. Supreme Court decided that the mere public display of fuck is protected under the First and Fourteenth Amendments and cannot be made a criminal offense. In 1968, Paul Robert Cohen had been convicted of "disturbing the peace" for wearing a jacket with "FUCK THE DRAFT" on it (which was to do with conscription in the Vietnam War.) The conviction was upheld by the Court of Appeals and overturned by the Supreme Court. Cohen v. California, 403 U.S. 15 (1971).
Pornographer Larry Flynt, representing himself before the U.S. Supreme Court in 1983 in a libel case, shouted, "Fuck this court!" during the proceedings and called the justices "nothing but eight assholes and a token cunt." Chief Justice Warren E.
Burger had him arrested for contempt of court but the charge was later dismissed.

Message Board Nerds

2005-12-11T11:33:00.000-08:00

My complaint is about nerds who frequent certain message boards. I have noticed this phenomenon from reading certain message boards like the ones of a certain local radio station, and the Lost message boards.
I go to the Lost message boards usually after an episode to see what people noticed about the episode (they have Tivo's and catch everything) and the boards are flooded with idiots who are there to socialize. I have to wonder what kind of a shithead has to socialize on a Lost message board? Well, they call themselves the "misfits" and thus organized a title for the group of douche bags on the message board. I went there right now and of course there is a misfits post infecting all the other posts at the top. Here is an excerpt:

Here are the rules now: (#5 is the most important)1. No rudeness unless provoked!2. Forget the craziness outside because it is in here!!! 3. Come in your most fashionable shoes!! 4. Have fun!!! 5. Remember YAH on your Christmas gift list!! 6. Thread Jacking is cool!

This is embarassing. On the local radio show message board I go to every once in 6 months, there are people who post every damn day who hate the shows and don't even listen to them. But they have created a social circle at the message boards, and probably because it prevents suicide, decide to go there everyday.
I am sure there are tons of Indy band websites that are patrolled by these idiots who decide to muck up their purpose with social conversation. Always on the Lost ones, people use the abbreviation "OT" for off-topic thread and ask about football or who feels sorry for themselves the most. Why put off topic shit on Lost's boards?
If you want to chit chat, create a blog people... Geez.

Scurvy

2005-12-04T20:49:00.000-08:00

My scurvy has been acting up, so I haven't posted in 5 days.

I was thinking about how everyone is all up in arms about 5 o'clock Sunday. Arms is a town a little north of here.

Wish Granted

2005-11-29T17:07:00.000-08:00

I just saw this on Drudge. Lasers...

Who doesn't like the Ho?

2005-11-29T10:22:00.000-08:00

It be the Bloggers Against Blog Ho. Two posts a month ago sucks but nonetheless, they say:

Tired of seeing Blog ho collect 40 to 50 comments a day while you sit jealously, and consumed with anger as you watch him snatch your readers only to be belittled by his witty retorts to your petty posts? You've come to the right place my friend. This is where the rebellion shall begin!

I am in the know on this one. I know that it's sarcastic, because Ho doesn't like the sarcasm. He is anti-sarcastic.

Everyone thinks he's funny because he writes about the zombies and the gays, but I know that Ho means every word of it and inside, he is sad because so many people laugh about his real life ideas on how to anal rape a zombie or get whores to be repeat customers. Just to let you know, Ho, I'm not laughing. I'm just here. Understanding.

Everyone is like a snowflake

2005-11-28T21:28:00.000-08:00

And if everyone started falling down all over the place getting in my way and making my life hell, I would hate them as much as the snow.

When are we going to have laser guns?

2005-11-27T01:09:00.000-08:00

I am serious. I think it is about time that we made laser guns. We have had them hyped in movies for so long, that it is time that all this eye surgery equipment was converted to something more useful -- and destructive.

I remember watching one of the best SNL fake commercials of all time where the "Amazin' Laser" was used to eliminate piles of leaves from your yards. One of the benefits was the "sturdy plastic construction" that coincidentally allowed it to pass through medical detectors.

$400 billion a year is the Pentagon's budget. I want to know how much is going toward the research of lasers, phasers, photon torpedoes, force field shields, and other such devices that were promised to us by this futuristic date of 2005.

Other such futuristic things have already come to us. You can buy a machine that cuts your lawn by itself. You can buy a robo-dog from the Sharper Image that will listen to your commands (but won't attack people for you -- yet). You can get heat AND light from a single source(fire). So we have all these futuristic inventions but no good lasers? We use lasers for dumbass things like stopping your garage door from crushing your toddlers, pointing out things on screens, various medical uses, and helping aim your gun.

You wouldn't need help aiming your gun if the laser was the actual weapon itself, you could just shoot accurately all day long! Only criminals of course. And birds. And tires, chipmunks, squirrels, and pregnant ladies.

Taft for President

2005-11-25T17:58:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I think to myself, what kind of woman just wants to get beat up by her husband? I then think, where would a woman like that hang out at and what would I need to say to her to get her to come home with me?

The insensitive police's number is listed in the yellow pages, give them a call.

Hey everybody, look who can read!

2005-11-23T09:44:00.000-08:00

It's Kyle! Kyle can read. He's so special.

hey retard... I read your blog and it sucks. Why would you criticize this girl? Because she's a better writer than you'll ever be and you can't handle it? Grow some balls dude.
-Kyle [ed: on someone else's blog]

Does anyone know where I can just buy some balls instead of grow them?

Hello to all the little people

2005-11-22T06:15:00.000-08:00

Have you ever seen Gulliver's Travels with Ted Danson and he goes to the place where he is a giant? What a great bunch of scenes that is because I want to be a giant among men.

The first thing I would do is take up jogging at an unreasonable hour. Everyone would wake up to the earthquake that is my morning exercise.

Another good thing to do would be to fall asleep naked in the middle of the village. Whoever's house is by my penis would come out and be greeted by a dick as big as their house! What a good laugh that will be. Maybe I would put it next to the door so they'd have to push really hard on the door only to find out that they were cockblocked.

Of course, there is so many vile things you could do everyday simply because you're a monster who can piss monstrously or shit monstrously so filling up the well with pee or taking a dump in the village square would always be entertaining.

You need not worry though that all I would do is gross things. I would also play games with individuals like hold my fist over some guy. Wherever he walked I would hold up my fist casting him in a shadow. He'd realize in 5 seconds that a shadow is following him all over town and he would look up to see me, the town giant, playing an immature game with him. He might try to run, but that'd be too easy. He would probably try to play it cool like he doesn't care because of the thinking that bullies get bored with no reaction. I would be a sophisticated bully though, so I wouldn't fall for this trick and if he didn't start to get angry about my shadowing, then I would threaten to eat his children.

I just can't even begin to write down all the great things that would happen if I were a giant. Of course food would be scarce and I would be lonely. That's ok though. If I ever became too lonely, I would make the whole town sing me songs and tell me how great of a giant I am. I would say, "I am not going to even eat your children if you don't, *wink*, so make sure if you sing me songs, it is of your own free will."

I just realized how stupid Green Day is.

2005-11-18T22:13:00.000-08:00

I thought Green Day was a decent band. They had ok music and were upbeat. I could take that. I never thought they were anything special, but they weren't bad. Then came an article calling Green Day "the most influential band" and the "voice of their generation." I was like, "Holy shit, they actually sing with a purpose? Uh oh." So I decided to actually listen to the lyrics when I heard the songs on American Idiot. I now officially hate them, not just because they have a vague political message with absolutely no idea what they are talking about, but because some of the things they say just makes no sense at all.

Forget the political message of "I hate American government because they wage wars and brainwash us" yada yada. I just say whatever. Did these guys even graduate high school? They have no idea what they are talking about so I just ignore them there. What the Hell does "The subliminal mind fuck America" mean anyways? No, the reason I hate them was because I paid attention to songs that I liked off that album, like "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" and "Wake Me Up When September Ends."

These songs were good because they have a nice tune to them. They were pleasant, had some sort of "emotion" to them. Then I listen to "Boulevard of Broken Dreams"...

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Sorry, I can't relate to something that makes no sense.

And now to the only reason I decided to post about this and added all the gibberish above to take up space. In "Wake Me Up When September Ends" they say

Here comes the rain again
falling from the stars

The wave of stupidity that hit me when I heard that line knocked me over. I'm considering suing them. What the fuck? Rain falling from the stars?! That makes no sense. Rain doesn't fall from the stars. It doesn't even LOOK like it's falling from the stars. Hell, when it rains it means there are clouds so you can't even SEE the stars. The most retarded line in music history. I pray to God this shit isn't influential. Green Day is overrated.

Cows aren't dangerous

2005-11-16T20:50:00.000-08:00

Someone the other day told me that cows are really dangerous. I was like, "Are you out of your fucking mind?" He was like, no man, seriously don't harm a cow, it will do bad things to you.
So I thought of those awesome California cow commercials where good cheese comes from happy cows which come from California because it's warm unlike shitty ass Wisconsin.
So I decided to do my own research. It went like this:

I will post what it says because it is hard to see and I don't want to redo the pictures. Me, "Hey stupid ass cow, I was wondering how dangerous you were" Cow, "Not that dangerous"

Me, "So why does my friend insist that you're dangerous?" Cow, "Shhh... It's quiet time."

My research obviously didn't end that well. This was a hermaphrodite cow by the way.

23.5

2005-11-15T20:35:00.000-08:00

I saw a 23rd post, 5th sentence meme on the Tiger's blog and felt like doing it without being tagged. IN honor of revisionist history Jarrett, why don't you go back to your post of this meme and pretend you tagged me? Anyway. Our 23rd post, 5th sentence, was kind of a fun post. It is from a day where I had the energy to write a lot and try to be creative. Without further
delay, I like macaroni and cheese, here, I also like bbq burgers, the quote is:

You never know what you're going to get when you come to Mongolia.

The morning ritual

2005-11-14T10:24:00.000-08:00

So every morning I wake up, make myself look like a guy all the girls want, eat a hardy breakfast, and then go online to read the headlines on Yahoo! News. I read all the marketwatch, the education, the top stories, and even the celebrity headlines. This way I can start a conversation with anyone, saying something like, "Did you hear that Stylus Studio launched XML deployment adapters for accessing any data source as XML?" They usually stare blankly until I say, "Hmm...guess not." I feel superior, more informed on the world.

200 posts

2005-11-12T01:22:00.000-08:00

Oh, this is post 202. I wanted to commemorate post 200 a couple posts ago. My blartner hasn't posted for almost 3 months. Somebody kick him in the ass! He was like 30% the first hundred posts, and like 10% the last hundred, so 40% overall ain't too shabby. Come on K, 70% is too big a number for me to handle -- I start to get loopy; did you read the one with the guy and the LED's and the suit of armor and the Yakutsk? Let's prevent it from happening again.

In a young girl's heart

2005-11-12T01:06:00.000-08:00

Do you believe in magic? Because, I most certainly do not. You must be a retard if you believe in magic! You are probably easily tricked and people must take sexual advantage of such a stupid brain as yours. You could even be a McDonald's manager who thinks the guy on the phone is a cop! Or her stupid fiancee!

I don't know if people pay attention to timestamps at all (I collect them) but you could notice that I am writing at 4 something AM (the timestamp is in PT and I am in ET-3 hour difference)-- who gives a shit about your boring timestamp stories? Timestamp is just fun word to say and think about.

One of the best things about being a human being is the ability to think. It's like a superpower if you're a badger. Imagine a couple of badgers sitting around saying, "Man, all I ever do is do stuff. I wish I had the propensity to contemplate my actions before I do them. Or maybe I could even reflect upon past actions to help me make better decisions in the future. That would be a cool super power to have."

But by that point, the badgers would have already run across a field to kill a hedgehog because they just did stuff and this foray in to thinking was imaginary. It is a nice story for me though because instead of wishing for superpowers, I can pretend I already have them. This is why if I wanted, I could kill the badger at anytime. He doesn't know he exists or that I exist, he just shits in the woods and eats dirt.

Now, I don't want to get all philosophical; I just want to pump up my ego and sometimes philosophical is the road I must travel.

Don't eat garbage

2005-11-10T19:18:00.000-08:00

It's good advice. Don't eat mud either.

Sex and Deer

2005-11-08T09:27:00.000-08:00

Here is a story that is absolutely horrifying. How can these two cheerleaders be so naughty?

TAMPA, Fla. -- Two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders have been kicked off the team after their arrest over the weekend.
Witnesses say Renee Thomas and Angela Keathley were having sex with each other in a bathroom stall of a bar early Sunday, angering some patrons who were waiting in line.

And this guy might be the most macho man ever. If this happened to me, I'd all animal control and wait. That guy thought of a better idea... It kind of reminds me of an SNL skit I saw awhile back about a gameshow called "Who's more grizzled?" or something like that.

BENTONVILLE, Ark. -- For 40 exhausting minutes, Wayne Goldsberry battled a buck with his bare hands in his daughter's bedroom.
Goldsberry finally subdued the five-point whitetail deer that crashed through a bedroom window at his daughter's home last week. When it was over, blood splattered the walls and the deer lay dead on the bedroom floor, its neck broken.

Christmas music

2005-11-08T07:10:00.000-08:00

They started playing it like a week ago. There's nothing like diluting the Christmas season. Let's all have a birthmonth instead of a birthday. That way it doesn't feel special at all.

Quote of the day:

That's something else that gives me a royal pain. I mean if you're good at writing compositions and somebody starts talking about commas. Stradlater was always doing that. He wanted you to think that the only reason he was lousy at writing compositions was because he stuck all the commas in the wrong place.

I seriously think about this quote quite a bit in the various journalism classes I have and it got brought up the other day talking to an average-looking canadian girl.

That reminds me of the piece of shit movie I watched the other day, The Girl Next Door. Although the movie's plot was the worst thing ever, it did contain the absolute hottest canadian girl this side of heaven.

And just to let you know you dumbass writer of that movie, the bank does not give out $25,000 without rigorously checking the qualifications and identifications of the receiver.

You're not a man,

2005-11-04T16:35:00.000-08:00

you're a chicken boo! HAHAHAHAA you remember that shit? Yeah you reminisce with me right now you bastards!
So I was thinking about how I want to be somebody (rich and famous) right. Ok, so I also thought about how Josef Stalin wanted to be famous when he was a kid. He eventually did become a pretty famous ballet dancer/brutal dictator and then you know what he did? He killed a bunch of people from his past or had them locked up.
He did it probably because he was ashamed. He got beat up or picked on or all the other embarassing things that happen to us, happened to him. Only he was JOE STEEL. HE COULDN'T let it damage his rep so he had those people silenced. So my point is, would my blog audience be considered privvy enough to my life that it'd be important for me to silence you guys? Just wondering. Seriously, don't tell anyone about the chicken boo/animaniacs reminiscing thing.

This isn't funny

2005-11-01T09:57:00.000-08:00

I apologize, but I made it so I'm posting it.

Sweet thoughts

2005-10-29T20:55:00.000-07:00

If I were a guy
I would make the whole point of my life just shagging as many girls as possible.Isn't that why we are born in the first place? To copulate, and make sure our race goes on?I guess then I have no choice by to follow my innate nudgings, which is to have as much p***y as possible.
When people ask me why I am so swallow, I'll just look at them, frown, then cum on their faces in answer.

I occasionally make fun of the fact that girls like jerks and hate nice guys on this blog. This is one girl confirming my hypothesis in a rather funny way I might add. She is like the 2004 best asian blog on wizbang's blog awards or something like that.

Apparently, she is a decent celebrity in her home country/village of Singapore. I used to read this girl's blog but alas, it became too boring. She always is talking in half chinese about weird things that confuse me whilst posting of pictures of things she ate that day. Every once in awhile, she posts a treatise on something interesting like the above example.

She looks real short doesn't she? Like you could spin her around and around and around. Anyway, she also goes on to talk about how to get women...

Therein lies the magical formula. Pulling, and letting go. At the correct times.

She hit the nail on the head... according to Neil Strauss anyway. What a good read that was.

Passion of the Rice

2005-10-28T21:04:00.000-07:00

What an exciting and interesting title. What can I come up with to match its intrigue? Of course it can't be done.
Regardless, I am going to tell you a story of a boy who became famous and then conquered Yakutsk (a small, almost-worthless territory in Risk).
His name still is Burke. Burke was a graduate student who was fucking around with LED when he stumbled upon something crazy. He coated an object with a polyurethane substance which contained LED and found out that when shot with a laser, the substance would glow bright white.
It was like, "Fuck yes, I am going to be so rich and the first thing I am going to do is to spread my seed like I am the last man on earth."
So that's what Burke did. He went around to all of the hottest clubs and spent lots of money and spread his seed. He told chicks he was the 21st century Thomas Edison and he could make LED's glow white when previously they'd done nothing better than blue-white.
This was the point where the girl was like, "You smell like loser, go the fuck away."
Then he got to the part in the story where he put it in layman's terms. "I reinvented the light bulb, I am worth as much as an eastern russian territory."
Of course the woman at that point did what all human females do. She reflexively layed down on her back with feet pointing a good 130 degrees apart.
Burke was sick of this shallow life and thought about his previous statement. An eastern russian territory.
Burke then used all his money to buy the best suit of armor that is still made by nerds who still make that stuff. He then boarded a private plane dressed as a full medieval knight and headed towards, where else, Yakutsk.
Once he arrived he demanded to see the provincial leader. They told him, "jdhwjrikhgkfdjhg" which means they didn't even speak his language. He decided to go the tourist information office decked out in his armor and there, the enemy answered his questions and told him everything he needed to know.
He went to the provincial Czar's place, or whatever the fuck they call it, and he put on a brilliant display of swordplay and gentlemanhood. After cutting down 3 or 4 low-paid and confused guards, he attacked the Czar King and proclaimed himself the Kaiser of Yakutsk.
This is part of Russia and so they'd have no part of murder and conquer so they did what is the Russian tradition, and told Burke that he would have to be put on fake trial.
Burke responded in kind with another Russian tradition, which was a big bribe. And that was the end. The man who accidentally shot a laser at some LED's eventually came to conquer Yakutsk.
I did it by merely rolling two 6's.

Donnie Douche Bag

2005-10-28T00:14:00.000-07:00

One day I will create a movie just complicated and twisted with lots of explanations and clues that lead back unto themselves. Why create a mystery and solve it? It's like infinity. Everyone will think I am a genius.

Good pick-up line

2005-10-24T22:14:00.000-07:00

A Malayan Pit Viper just bit my wiener; I'm going to need your help.

Worst Customer Ever

2005-10-21T20:25:00.000-07:00

I was at McDonalds just the other day when a couple of guys up to no good started makin trouble in my neighborhood.

Ok anyway, so this guy is in front of me and my friend and he orders a fish filet meal with a coffee. He tells the guy that he wants to wait around for a fresh pot of coffee to brew. He also wants his fish filet and his fries freshly made also. So the guy gives him his filet and is doubted by this tough customer, he is.

He squawks, "That is pretty fast for a fresh filet."

The employee lies, "Yep."

At that point I laughed so hard on the inside that I forget this part of conversation. The man then proceeds to step in to the no-zone which is where the floor changes color signifying the line between McDonald's French Fry Engineer and One Mr. Tough Customer. He demands a fresh filet! And his request is obliged much to the disappointment of the people behind him (us). He gets fresh fries also and then proceeds to leave, with asshole clinched as tight as the laws of physics will allow.

So we're like, "Phew, that asshole's gone".

That is when said asshole wanders back in with more complaints and proceeds to violate engineer-customer boundaries again much to the scorn of proud McDonalds manager. Another round of hopeless dialogue ensues which is the end of the story.

I just have to wonder what the fuck made this guy the most anal McDonald's customer in the history of the universe. If you're so concerned about freshness, don't you think it's time you STOP GOING TO MCDONALDS? THAT FILET WAS CAUGHT 10 MONTHS AGO ASSHOLE, THERE IS NOTHING FRESH ABOUT IT.

Guess who lied!

2005-10-17T20:42:00.000-07:00

Yeah, it was me. Four days ago, I claimed that I would post everyday. Obviously I didn't and you know what that means? Not much really. This is a casual blog and my statements are also casual.
So anyway, I was thinking about how many licks it takes to get to the center of a lollipop when an idea dawned on me - Don't throw your baby out with your bathwater! I think in the future this would be a good analogy for almost throwing out anything important along with important things.
I am just kidding. I have journalism professors that tell me cliches are bad to use. I told them you'll catch me using a cliche when pigs fly.
I was thinking today about how much I want to get a gun. People always ask me, "Why do you think you need a gun?" and I say, "Look bitch, you won't ask me stupid-ass questions when I have a gun now, will you?"

Have some lemonade, and also have some GAYade homos!

2005-10-13T07:47:00.000-07:00

I think I am going to write at least one thing everyday. One post every damn day from now on! Why? Well the reason is because I don't need a god damn reason; reason is for chimps and scientists. Today's post is pretty easy because all I have to do is sit here and chat away about having to sit here and chat away.
I do want to lament the firing of Gregg Henson, the guy on my blogroll. Although his show became quite tired, immature, and boring at times, I liked Henson and even got to meet him one time. So why'd he get fired? Well, Howard Stern can sum it up (click and listen) for me. Howard doesn't know the ending but I do, because I was listening to the show that day.
The thing is that the Detroit Free Press did a story on it and didn't mention it and all other public news sources are not mentioning why. I have to conclude that just repeating what he said could leave the person as legally liable as Henson, so just in case that dick Tic Tac goes to Gregg's blog, clicks on this blog on the blogroll, and reads this post and would decide to sue me, I am not going to tell you the story all about how, Gregg's career got flipped, turned upside down. I can give you a clue: Tic Tac drinks the 'ade, and there is a very bad stereotype about people who do that, that could be true in this case.

Gold Digger inspired me

2005-10-11T07:31:00.000-07:00

...to write my own rap song, maybe rap album, and to stop hating black people (Thanks Kanye). Ok, so here's my rap:

Once upon a time in the land of the fairies,
guy wings and girl wings always got married,
until I came, bringing my pain,
I put the girls to work draining veins,
I decided to harness flyer boy's lust,
cuz he didn't have enough booty nor fairy dust!
So I started an op, and ran it tight,
selling fairies and crystal meth all through the night,
and then they came, who you say?
IT WAS THE GUYS WHO WANTED TO DESTROY THE RAINFOREST, OH NO FERNGULLY!! THEY PUT X's ON ALL THE TREES THEY WANTED TO MURDER!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD? GEORGE BUSH HATES TREE PEOPLE.

What's the meaning of life?

2005-10-09T21:08:00.000-07:00

I was thinking to myself, "what's the meaning of life?" That's when I picked up my last of ten baseballs and finally hit the guy sitting on a tractor, mowing the local high school football field.

Take a deep breath

2005-10-08T15:50:00.000-07:00

One thing I noticed about people is that they tend to breathe -- a lot! So I was out last night thinking about my acute observation, and I wondered what sort of experiment I should do. I noticed this 21-year-old girl with short blonde hair tucked behind her ears, and a red top that gapped her jeans enough to showcase a tramp stamp which said, "suffocate me." Thus the results of my experiment:

People breathe for a reason. The reason is to continue to absorb oxygen which is necessary to carry out certain chemical reactions to keep the organism alive. Remove it, and the organism ceases to function.

Young canadians are tools

2005-10-03T22:36:00.000-07:00

I mean tool as in the correct sense of the word, as in "poser" or somebody who doesn't think for theirself. Case and point is this comment from some dumbass on the last post:

At 9:48 PM, kelsicunningham@yahoo.com said...
You could only wish your writing could be as FABULOUS as that on "die Prinzessin".I've seen you post on blogs in other places and you really are a fucking tool.

In cool Canada, they are about 10 years behind the US, and also 10x more nerdy than us. This is why they use the word tool so much. They think it is punk for "idiot" or "fag". I would like to let this commenter know that they are a complete tool for using a slang word and not knowing really what it means. If they're not canadian, the rule still stands and this person is still a jackass.

Sam Adams

2005-10-02T01:03:00.000-07:00

Ok people, this is new slang. If someone makes a good decision, it is called a "Sam Adams" because their slogan is, "Sam Adams: always a good decision." So if your friend folds pocket jacks when you have pocket aces, then you say, "Don't worry, that was a Sam Adams." Or if someone decides on the Chicken Parmesean and it is good at that particular restaurant, then you say, "That's a Sam Adams." Go forth and spread the slang, so one day it will be traced back here to me.

Jews, the forgotten menace

2005-10-01T00:40:00.000-07:00

I don't think people realize how dangerous the jews still are. I mean, they act like everyone else except they do a lot of jew things. One thing they like to do is work for a living. They make me sick with their work and their money. Also, one time I knew a mexican who converted to judaism. I was confused because I didn't know whether he became someone who used non-whites to bring down the white race, or whether he was still a tool. All the racism is just so hard sometimes. I always said my hardest class in school was trig; trig or jew-hating, it's a toss-up. I heard David Duke is teaching in Ukraine; I really need to take his class to get it all straight.

I love the world

2005-09-27T04:48:00.000-07:00

I am just kidding, I hate most of the world. Ok, let's be serious; I am undecided on whether I like the majority of people or hate them.
I think people generally are better as they get older, yet old people bother me so my logic has flaws. They are really slow moving -- and thinking -- and are generally unaware. The AARP is really a stickler about erasing stereotypes about old people, so hopefully my blog becomes popular enough to evoke their outrage one day.

Second audio post ever

2005-09-23T20:26:00.000-07:00

I am a little choppy, but nonetheless, it is me practicing to be a hard news journalist.

*UPDATE*

Apparently that link doesn't work and not a single one of you douche bags decided to let me know. Here is the real thing:

It's getting cold and shitty again

2005-09-22T15:08:00.000-07:00

It's that beautiful time of year where you leave the house in the morning to discover your car mired in a coating of dewy pain-in-the-assness. It hasn't been that way for months and a tingle goes up the back of your neck that says, "Hey, it's going to be cold and shitty again -- you will soon rue the outdoors..."
When it's cold outside, it's like the whole world is uncomfortable. I need to move to a place with comfortable weather like Galveston, TX.

Wake me up...

2005-09-20T19:40:00.000-07:00

...when September ends.

I'm tired.

Similarities between the super poor and rich

2005-09-17T12:56:00.000-07:00

Adam Corolla was talking about this the other day on his radio show and it was quite funny and interesting to think about the similarities between super rich and super poor people.

1. It is appropriate for either group to wear a bathrobe all day.

2. Both own multiple vehicles. Poor people's are just crap and on cinder blocks.

3. Both name their kids after themselves. Juniors, 3rds, and other such names are for poor people and real rich people.

4. They have furniture on their porch.

5. Their children are completely irresonsible idiots.

6. They both hunt.

7. Boaters both. One is yachts, the other is fishing boats, but boaters nonetheless.

8. Like to belong to clubs. One is country, the other is like the John Birch society...

9. No respect for the law. Both just don't give a shit.

Most of those are Adam Corolla's. I will think of others and add to the list. Feel free to come up with your own and add them in the comments...

Introducing...

2005-09-14T20:42:00.000-07:00

...the gayest kid in the known universe. This kid made a love tape for his girlfriend that is the sappiest and most pathetic piece of audio ever. However it is entertaining to listen to it and collectively laugh at him. She dumped him 3 days later. And no folks, he ain't 13, he's 19!! Hat tip: 3 G.

ME ME ME that's all you care about

2005-09-13T00:00:00.000-07:00

I'm so bored so I decided to destroy my credibility as a member of the "anti" league. The anti league is an exclusive club where everything popular is incredibly gay and everyone and everything that is talked positively about is most assuredly and absolutely gay. Meme's are a prime example of what the anti league is against. This is a meme from Die Prinzessin (which if you didn't know, is german for "Die Princess").

Songs I'm fully digging right now:

The Bravery's An Honest Mistake
Audioslave's Doesn't Remind Me
Wheels on the Bus
She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes
Camptown Races
The song by Toby Keith that says Uncle Sam is a bar hoodlum

7 answers to 7 questions not about 7-up or the 7 wonders of the world

Seven things I plan to do before I die:
1. Have an illegitimate child in a different country leaving the woman no trace of my name or how to contact me.
2. Punch Clive Cussler in the face.
3. Create a super-dog by having a sex tournament of 8 dogs including wolf, dingo, rottweiler, etc.
4. Get a monkey.
5. Be involved in a heist.
6. Buy a small country.
7. Finish this meme.

Seven things I can do
1. Drive a stick shift.
2. Read and write english.
3. Run slowly.
4. Hit a golf ball not straight, but with a curve that can go sharply to the right or left. It's not magic I assure you.
5. I can look at 6 or 7 license plates for only 6 or 7 seconds and manage to forget every single one.
6. Laugh at others.
7. Anything better than you.

Seven things I can't do
1. Sing.
2. Estimate.
3. Grow up.
4. Fly with my arms.
5. Dance.
6. Be serious.
7. Not be completely charming.

Seven things that attract me to another person

1. T.
2. A.
3. The possession of female genitalia.
4. Good sense of humor. Nothing's worse than a bummer who can't take a joke.
5. Someone who doesn't talk back.
6. Docility.
7. That they like the most important person in the world to me- me.

Seven things that I say most often

1. God damn it.
2. Dragon ball z.
3. No more please, you're hurting me.
4. You fucking idiot, get the fuck out of the way. You're the worst fucking driver in the world, I hope to God that your car flips over right this moment and explodes.
5. Hey.
6. The.
7. Oh my god.

Seven celebrity crushes

1. Catherine Zeta-Jones.
2. Jennifer Connelly.
3. Gwyneth Paltrow.
4. Portia De Rossi.
5. Penelope Cruz.
6. That girl who played Helen of Troy in Troy.
7. Kate Beckinsale.

Seven bloggers I want to do this to

I am not tagging anyone because we have no blogger friends willing to do this.

An old saying

2005-09-10T18:04:00.000-07:00

Hopefully one day someone will pick up this saying, and they'll begin by saying, "there's an old saying...". The saying of course is, "The dollar menu is more important than making babies."

Need a new job

2005-09-08T20:07:00.000-07:00

Man I am just getting sick of work. I want to get a new job but what's a college kid with no skills supposed to do?
Waiters make good ass money so it'd be nice to be one at the Outback, P.F. Chang's, or Arby's. The thing is though is I can't deal with certain groups of people. I am sure that I would have to service old people sooner or later and then I would have to talk really loud and take special orders and also have to put up with their smell.
So next possible job: pyramid schemer. The other day I was in the bookstore buying books and of course cream for my anus thanks to the publishers of said book. Anyway, a kid in front of me was trying to get this other kid to believe that he made a couple extra thousand a month doing this internet selling thing "like amazon." You could spot this pyramid schemer a mile away. He had his hair slicked back like Eddie Haskell and a polo and just the general aura of phoniness surrounding him.
I talked to this chick in one of my classes who just got her real estate license and is an assistant to an agent and makes really good money probably. Ohhhhh fuck her and her stupid moneymaking ambition.
I just want something that pays me a lot and is not tedious. Let me work with people or manage people or something. Shit I should manage Burger King, I could do it way better than the retard that works there now. I should just go in there and be like: I want $20 an hour to be an assistant manager. I have no managing or restaurant or fast food experience. GIVE ME THE JOB BECAUSE I AM REALLY LOUD.
Oh shit I am out of ideas. Maybe I will just be a bullet catcher, it's short term and easy.

Will you be my friend?

2005-09-06T20:40:00.000-07:00

As I looked around the room, I wondered to myself aloud, "who will be my friend?". There were 4 guests over for afternoon triscuits, tea, and whisky. Mr. Slumber was doing what he always does best which was sleep. My sister named him Mr. Slumber when she was only 23 years old. She got him in the glow worm craze of the late 80's.
On Mr. Slumber's left sat GI Joe and his buddy who was also named GI Joe. I always had my suspicions that their discharge from the armed forces wasn't so honorable and it had to do with a little sumpin' sumpin' if you know what I mean. And if you don't know, then what I meant is that they were caught having anal gay sex and the military says no homo, you must go.
And last but not least was dear ol' Dad. Dad slipped and fell 2 years ago and has been a vegetable ever since. Usually I put lipstick on him and shout in his face, "No Dad, you're a wussy- catch the ball" and I proceed to throw a baseball right at his dumb head.
Thus I sat there.
Wondering which one of them I was going to choose to be my friend.

B for bosoms

2005-09-04T15:59:00.000-07:00

I wanted to say B for Bored, but I have too many posts with bored in the title and I also like bosoms. The other day I was watching a commercial on TV and they were excited about BREADSTICKS! Sometimes I think commercials are not actual depictions of real life, but a slanted view of it in order to sell us something.

the first day of classes

2005-09-03T06:33:00.000-07:00

This is always the best because you can pick out who you're going to hate for the rest of the semester. I pick you idiot girl who talks about herself nonstop. When the prof goes around asking why you took the class and what background experience you have, that is the topic you should stick to. Somehow I learn all kinds of things like what your boyfriend does for a living, what your opinions are on all current events, and least of all, that you're annoying.
People always do one of two things the first day of class; they talk too much or talk too little. Personally I always talk the right amount but no one can be as perfect as me so we'll speak of other things. My prof(talk too much) for TV-Radio news is an executive producer at the local NBC affiliate and this is her first class. She name dropped like nobody's business to make sure we all knew that she knew people in this town damn it! She was probably just nervous so I will cut her some slack. Just kidding.
The worst people of course are question-askers/information-havers. These people ask the dumbest questions to hear themselves talk. "Is this exam going to be cumulative? Can you be as cute as me and still take this class? Are we going to take notes? Are you a hard grader?" They also will offer up information on everything from the textbook in's and out's, the upcoming university schedule, current university news, and anything else they can jut in to a conversation to be a giant pretentious asshole.
Otherwise, I like that school is starting again because obviously I hate work. I also hate bisexuals, mulattos, jews for jesus, and anyone else on the fence.

A gas tale

2005-09-02T20:29:00.000-07:00

The other day I was pumping gas and as the total pushed past $40 for a tank of gas that would normally cost under $30, the nozzle from the pump livened up like a snake. I was like holy shit, that gas pump is alive. We did a little dance and I showcased the ol' 1-2 when the pump then punched me in the face knocking me to the ground. It then proceeded to rape me in the ass. That's when I woke up. The weird thing is my asshole hurt. What does it all mean? Strange huh?

I hate working

2005-08-30T14:13:00.000-07:00

I think everyone hates their job except for prostitutes of course. But everyone else has to go do stuff and it sucks. I therefore propose that we devote almost all of our resources to making robots and artificial intelligence good enough to replace us all. Normally a staunch capitalist, I wouldn't give a shit if we just had robots do all the work and we all split resources equally because at that point no one is working so incentives don't matter.
We'd probably end up making whore robots too and then that is the end of the human race. Hopefully the robots don't get all uppity and try to kill us like in every movie depicting the future of interaction between robots and humans.
Japan just came out with a $15,000 robot that will remember dates and help sick people but really it doesn't do much except say hi. They are on the right track though. Perpetual vacation- the future of the world. Oh the US just came out with robots to shoot people instead of soldiers having to do it. I think all of the leading US robot technology makes cars or does something to aid in the killing of people. Japan is obsessed with making them dance and walk and all of that fancy stuff. Shows how stupid Japan is. Dancing and helping old people or reconaissance and assassination... hmmm...

What do you mean you want me to pay for extra sauce, it sucks

2005-08-28T21:45:00.000-07:00

You give me that sauce for free right now god damn it. Stupid Chicken Shack and their most delicious fried chicken in the whole world. Their fries kind of suck and every single sauce tastes like anus. How can they be so bad at making sauces? Their barbecue is just horrible, it tastes like some fruit zesty tangy barbecue. Their ranch is too thin and the honey mustard tastes like a horse made it. Their fried chicken is so good though, it is undescribable. If you are in the metro detroit ever, there is like 5 chicken shacks and everyone knows they're the best. Get some, seriously.
Oh, by the way, I only get fried chicken tenders (They're not the shit from Denny's). I can't deal with chicken bones, I am just too suburbanized.
McDonalds charges for sauce too. I hate people who bash McDonalds by the way. Seriously, you are a complete idiot if you don't think they have good food. They are like the most powerful restaurant in the world for a reason. Their fries are the best. People just hate them because they're top dog. They're like the US or Walmart.

I am angry

2005-08-28T09:28:00.000-07:00

As the saying goes: I am so angry, I could eat a horse. Why am I angry you say? Well I think I am angry because the world is unfair. I actually think the world being unfair to everyone is pretty fair though, so which one is it?
It's a good thing to be real angry and just break things and slam them. I took my powerade yesterday and just beat its ass to the ground and threw it away when it was still 1/4 full. I was telling the powerade, "I don't need you, I will beat you and throw you away in the garbage." It kind of made me nostalgic of how I broke up with my last girlfriend, but anyway, I'm off track.
So I was thinking of how angry I was and how it'd make me feel way better if I could spread my bad mood. Nothing helps a bad mood like dissolving it in other people. It is like drinking water if you've swallowed too much poison. Or making your little brother drink water after you gave him more vitamins than you should have. Either way, it helps to make everyone else feel shitty too.
People might not like you if you are always a bummer, but let's face it, they probably didn't like you anyway. You might as well get them before they get you.

Useful tip # Zeserb

2005-08-26T20:31:00.000-07:00

Zeserb is a made-up number symbolizing pi squared divided by .3. Ok here's the tip: Don't go to work without your pants on. If you did, don't try and convince your boss you do have pants on but he is crazy. It doesn't work and you have to kill your boss to avoid being fired. It's a mess.

Around the world in how many ever days I feel like bitch

2005-08-24T21:23:00.000-07:00

So I was thinking about how I just wanted to sail around the world. I just want to meet all the people from different lands. I would make stops in Canada, Australia, New Zealand, England, and maybe even Ireland too. I was thinking how nice it would be to see all the ethnicities and cultures and languages of the world. Of course it would be a lot of work learning Canadian, Australian, and New Zealandish and such, but with a dictionary and impatience, I think I could manage.
Of course sailing the boat would really kick my ass, so of course I'd hire some mexicans to do all the sailing for me. They would probably want food and such so I would kick them off the boat when the first one died and hire some Filipinos who are probably less needy.
Dreams are so romantic when they're just dreams aren't they?

The college life

2005-08-22T20:28:00.000-07:00

This guy makes funny songs. He is in college. There are songs about fat chicks, myspace, and all of the other essential things in college. You should check him out and we're going to permanently link to him in case you're lazy right now.

Wondering

2005-08-21T21:13:00.000-07:00

I was wondering if anyone could catch a bullet in their teeth. Here is another list of things I wonder about.

I wonder...

... if I'm ever going to be famous enough to tell people to go fuck themselves and they will actually be happy about it and tell their friends.

... how many sexual partners Tara Reid has had. Is it more than 100? Ha, I mean 100 per year maybe!

... if I could get away from the cops in a car chase.

... how babies are made.

... if it's possible to travel faster than the speed of noisy light.

... why AIDS is such a big problem in Africa.

... if you push an old lady down and take her purse, would you be extra mean if you took a picture of her on the ground and did that thing where you jump in the picture with both of your thumbs up.

... if it was appropriate to give my 3 year old cousins plastic grocery bags for christmas.

... was it also appropriate to fill the grocery bags with knives and fireworks.

... if white trash goes to the same heaven as everyone else. If they do, then will there be some kind of ordinance to keep them from white trashing their heavenly lot next to mine?

... if I called my soldering iron at work the soldering iron of justice, would anyone get that.

I would carry it around like a cowboy and if someone saw me they'd say something like, "Hey. Look, he's carrying a soldering iron." and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

Miscommunicae

2005-08-18T22:30:00.000-07:00

Miscommunicae can be a real problem. A little known fact is that all major wars have been started through the bungling of message sending or translators.
When Lincoln was elected president, the south sent him a letter saying, "We succeed", to let him know what they were all about- which was not failing.
Lincoln got the message though as, "We secede" and then all hell broke loose.

Last week I told some cop, "I'm going to stick you piggy" but all he heard was, "Sublime boing pickajoo wiggy" and he shot at me.

I'm out of ideas. It's time for a "Greatest Hits"

2005-08-18T00:22:00.000-07:00

I have been short on new ideas for posts lately so I thought to myself, "What would Hilary Duff do?" And then it hit me, she does what everyone does these days, it's time to revive the old (even if it's not old) and pretend it's new! You got it. It's time for a "greatest hits." Backstreet Boys needed four years to come out with their first greatest hits. Britney Spears needed six years, but Hilary beat them all by composing two albums before coming out with her "greatest" music on one CD. That's right, she could take half the songs on each album and bam! Just like that she's got herself a new album, but not really. Sneaky.

Music artists aren't the only ones turning to their old stuff hoping to disguise it so it looks new. Movie producers and writers often have writer's block and they need to create sequels to movies that have no business having sequels and had no intention of having a sequel when they were made. I liked Men in Black, but Men in Black II was so horrible that it made me hate the first one too. Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo was funny, so it makes perfect sense to come back to a movie that had closure and six years later revive the same jokes. Again, an excellent way to pretend you've come up with something new without actually having to come up with something new.

So here I am, roughing it out just to come up with something to write about. Therefore I have decided to create Extra Strength Boredom Relief: Greatest Hits December '04- August '05 (ok, so the Favorite Posts section on the sidebar has been up all this time; lets pretend I created it now).

What a great post! I sense a sequel coming along...

The Aristocrats

2005-08-17T19:58:00.000-07:00

Ok, if you haven't heard what the aristocrats is about, it is a documentary about famous comedians giving their interpretation of the most vile, filthiest, most offensive joke ever told. Actually first I will try my best at telling the worst, filthiest, most offensive joke I can possibly tell. I will make the break here so you can just ignore how disgusting this will be: No, seriously it becomes gross, don't read on if you want to continue respecting me.

One day

2005-08-17T19:56:00.000-07:00

One day I'm going to be cool and post more than once everyday. Maybe I will crosslink to a million people and have a blogroll as long as the great wall of china. I will then find some black children and adopt them.

Only if

2005-08-16T16:54:00.000-07:00

Only if Madonna's real horse was as high as her metaphorical one. The bitch fell, hahaha. What a english royalty wannabe skank.

No time

2005-08-15T23:32:00.000-07:00

I have been so busy lately, I haven't had time to write a full post out or continue my quest of eliminating gypsies from the face of the earth. No one cares when gypsies die or you make fun of them so I decided it'd be an easy genocidal crusade. Case in point:

No one ever hears about gypsies even though about half a million were eliminated in the holocaust. Also if someone conned you out of money, it is politically incorrect to say, "Hey that guy totally jewed me". But notice no one ever gives a second thought if you say, "Hey that guy totally gypt me."

Gypsies- the least cared about ethnicity in the world.